Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
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Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
is this a threat
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Yes, this is exactly right
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested