[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
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What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
barbara was highly relatable
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
choose your gary
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.