My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
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Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
What in the hipster hell is going on here
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
(more comics:
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.