@VodkaDietSoda: The second I sense someone about to ask for a bite of what I'm eating, I immediately shove the whole damn thing in my mouth & look baffled.
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@SergioValenCo: What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality? *gets arrested*
@stephenjmolloy: Pilot: "What does this button do?" *intercom turns on* Pilot: "Doesn't do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do."
@PressOneForNo: When your toddlers are teenagers don't forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off
@michaeljhudson: *dog runs for president* *is asked race sensitive question "The thing is, I don't see color" *crowd goes wild*