@VodkaDietSoda: The second I sense someone about to ask for a bite of what I'm eating, I immediately shove the whole damn thing in my mouth & look baffled.
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@ericsshadow: [wife walking in the door after work] WIFE: I had just had the worst... why are our kids in the dog cage? ME: a hello would be nice.
@david8hughes: [inventing trees] Angel: what purpose do they serve? God: cats climb em Angel: can they climb back down? God [inventing the fire dept]: nope