me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
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Pringles
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Merica.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out