[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
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Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day