The second world war should have been called world war returns
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Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
only 11 steps left
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!