The second world war should have been called world war returns
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Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Was it something I said?
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What鈥檚 HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
every single thing you鈥檝e ever done and all the decisions you鈥檝e made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn鈥檛 have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don鈥檛 know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Am I having a stroke?
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
A conga line? Now that鈥榮 something I can get behind
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 馃崵
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn鈥檛 do anything
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Boomers: we don鈥檛 share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?