The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
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I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
He took my last fry, your honor
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Pikachu found the lost joint
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Birds & Planes.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.