The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
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I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
#winning
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro