The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
You Might Also Like
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
He’s cranky this morning
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Spring of Deception
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit