“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
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“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.