The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
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My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.