The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
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My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Peter Parker Peter Driver
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.