The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
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Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
#dnd #ttrpg
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”