The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
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me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.