I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
You Might Also Like
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.