HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
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Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Baller is short for ballerina
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?