@Jay16282: The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
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@sip_at_home_mom: I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there's a chance I'll need them.
@SuperRandomish: When someone asks how I feel, I always answer "Squishy and like I've done something wrong"
@KyleMcDowell86: [Sees girl watching Star Wars] "Oh I love that movie, the way" *starts to sweat* "All those stars are at war with each other"
@basit_saeed: When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound: "Please let it be my leg, Lord."