I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
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Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.