[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
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My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.