I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
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I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Always.
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God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower