I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
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Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
This made me smile…
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
*puts my mental health in rice
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
uncle dave has been through hell
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.