The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
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My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
yeah no that’s fair
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.