The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
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I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there