that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
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You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.