The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
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Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
honestly, i need both:
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*