The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
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Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???