The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
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Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect