The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
You Might Also Like
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
.. do you even science?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?