The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
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date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.