The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
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[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*