The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
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“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Raisins are grape jerky.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Husband of the year 😂
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave