The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
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Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I feel seen
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.