The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
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FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
i dont have time for this
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.