“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
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When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
What about a To-Don’t List?
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]