The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
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I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
This is true.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.