Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
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“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Mountain Goat : )
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!