The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
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Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her