@WilliamAder: The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.
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@Reverend_Scott: [Apple meeting] We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan. "How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday's technology at tomorrow's prices." Too honest, Carl.
@Adam14: I heard that sadomasochistic vegans like to get beet and artichoked. Some even like getting pead on. Don't turnip your nose at this.
@Muath_tu: My neighbor doesn't like it when I put garbage in his backyard so I stopped burying people there.
@TheTweetOfGod: Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.