The symmetry is uncanny.
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If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4