Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
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Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.