Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
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When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later: