One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
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If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Love this guy
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy