@britt_anylynn: The sign at the McDonald's I just passed says "We hiring" in case you're wondering what kind of qualifications you need to have to be hired.
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@murrman5: [kidnapper hands wife phone] "brent" BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
@WilliamAder: Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
@AndyAsAdjective: Judging by this sunburn, I'd say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.