My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
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I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
This is true.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.