The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
You Might Also Like
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker