@OhNoSheTwitnt: The sign at this gas station says "turn engine off" so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
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@Brianhopecomedy: How my 7 year old plays board games: Rolls a 6. Counts to 6. Moves his piece wherever he wants.
@Ideal_Victoria: I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box... I'll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
@shutupmikeginn: It's goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. "Your secret is well guarded... behind a zipper"
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I'm in.