The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
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I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.