It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.