Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
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[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Just this preview of the story is enough
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way