@1niitro: The Simpsons need to have an episode where Arsenal win the Champions League
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@SharkJelly: Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon? Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
@sarcasm_inc: Men used to slay dragons, and here I am shuffling around like a penguin with my pants around my ankles looking for extra toilet paper.
@jjax44: I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
@onion_an: Wife: Who is it? Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it's now illegal to fake throw a ball Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]