can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
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[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.