@badbanana: The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
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@iwearaonesie: me: Dave's coming over wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer? *Dave walks in wearing an "I Beat Cancer" shirt*
@gerryhallcomedy: When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don't tell them you need it by a certain date.
@Brianhopecomedy: Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.