The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
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If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
My purse is deeper than some people.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.